Guilt (Forgiveness)
by kopycat101
Summary: "She doesn't lose much from sharing her body. Nothing really important. But Tsutomu…Tsutomu's lost so, so much." Birdy reflects on how her life has changed, sharing a body with the human teenager Tsutomu Senkawa after accidentally killing him. As the consequences of her actions finally begins to dawn on her, Tsutomu has to help keep her together. (Season 1, platonic Tsutomu/Birdy.)


Author's Note: There's barely any content for this anime. I guess I'll have to write it all myself.

This fic takes place early on in Season 1 of Birdy the Mighty: Decode anime. Probably after just the first three episodes. Includes platonic Birdy and Tsutomu and Angst TM.

(Also, the song for this chapter doesn't really fit in tonally with the fic, but the lyrics did. So whatever, I tried ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯)

* * *

Guilt (Forgiveness)

* * *

" _Oh, I'm a guilty one,_

 _And know what I have done,_

 _Yeah, I'm a troubled one,_

 _And I won't be forgiven._

 _(…Guilty on the run,_

 _And I'm never forgiven.)"_

—Guilty, by Marina and the Diamonds

* * *

It's been three weeks since that fateful day. The day where Birdy slipped up, and killed an innocent human teenager.

Well, killed, in a loose sense of the word.

It had been Tuto's suggestion and her quick-thinking that ultimately kept Tsutomu Senkawa alive. She fused their bodies together, taking his soul into her body, so that the human could live until he could get his body repaired.

It's been three long, hectic weeks, and Birdy could honestly say that the arrangement came with less problems than she'd expected.

Tsutomu was a good kid. He tried hard, and did his best at everything he did. He was a dutiful student, completing his homework and getting to school on time. He was a good host, always cooking up a lot of delicious Earth food for her to eat her fill and upkeep their body. He even gave intuitive advice, acting as a sort of back-seat driver whenever she was off trying to hunt down her targets, filling in a part of the constant support that Tuto used to give.

Sure, Tsutomu would have a few complaints about their arrangement—especially when her duties as a Federation Officer conflicted with his social life, and the reign over their body was taken from him—but his objections weren't without merit. And he never wholly held things against her, either. Even when her actions didn't pan out, or he got in trouble for her making him late for events, sometimes even completely missing them altogether.

Tsutomu would gripe and grouse. But, at the end of the day, he'd forgive her. Because that's just how Tsutomu Senkawa was, really. A boy with a good head on his shoulders, with empathy in spades, and a keen understanding of how the world worked, despite his relatively young age.

He never held things against her…

Despite the glaring fact that her carelessness was what ended up with him less one body. Despite the fact that he could never truly call his body his own, could never truly have an instant of peace or time alone. Despite the fact that his life could never go back to normal, while intergalactic villains were out on the prowl, readying plans that could destroy his home-planet.

Birdy sighed lowly, sinking further into the bathtub, trying to fight off her tumultuous thoughts. She didn't want to rouse Tsutomu unnecessarily from their shared mind-space in her head. Especially when she trying to bathe, buck-naked as the day she was born.

She lowered herself in the bath until half her face was submerged, and she let out a huff of air through her nose, which was still above the warm water.

All things considered, she's had a good run, sharing a body with Tsutomu.

As per their agreement and arrangement, he stays in his spacious house. And since they're one and the same, Birdy gets to stay in said house. Eating delicious food, taking luxurious baths, working away from Miss Irma's haggling and needling. She doesn't have to pay for any utilities, since Tsutomu's parents cover all the bills while they're working abroad.

All that is taken away from her are a few sparse hours of work—both in the human world as a model, and as a Federation police officer. Those hours are Tsutomu's to control, so he can go to school and make errands, to try and live his life as close as he did before…before his body was taken from him.

She gains so, so much from this. A constant companion and confidant, ever since Tuto was destroyed and reduced into a cell phone. Someone to watch her back, while she's all but stranded on this foreign planet. The only drawback is the loss of time, and the perceived lack of privacy. But even then, she works hard enough to make up for lost time, and she'd never had much privacy even before this, when she was training to become a Federation officer.

She doesn't lose much from sharing her body. Nothing really important. But Tsutomu…

Tsutomu's lost so, so much.

Birdy feels her throat constrict—feels the lead in her stomach and the burn in her lungs—and hiccups. She chokes, bathwater shooting up her mouth and nose, and wrenches her head away from the water fast enough that she cracks the back of her skull against the porcelain surface she'd been resting against.

A choked yelp slips past her lips, as she clutches the back of her head. Her body curls slightly in on itself, knees drawing up to her ample chest, tears welling in her eyes and threatening to spill.

" _Birdy?! What's wrong?_ " Tsutomu asks from within their mind-space, honest concern and worry coloring his tone.

Oh no. She woke him up. She's fucked up.

Birdy flings curses under her breath, cradling her head. Her breath is still hitching, erratic, and she's choking on perfectly good air and her face is filling with water and the sobs are pealing past her throat without any hope of stopping.

And she's fucking pathetic for it— for breaking down so openly and being so weak. She **knows** she is, and why does she always **ruin** everything? Berserker Birdy, destroying everything in her path. She's good-for-nothing, she's a monster, she's a weapon of mass destruction that shouldn't even be allowed to **live** _,_ _just_ _ **look**_ _at all the destruction she's caused! Someone_ _ **do**_ _something about her!_

" _Hey, now…Hitting your head on the tub shouldn't have hurt you_ _ **that**_ _badly_ ," Tsutomu starts, alarmed. The concern and anxiety are easy to discern from him, coming off his place in their mind-space in waves.

All she can do is hyperventilate and curl up, ashamed and humiliated and guilty and pathetic and _hurting, oh by the Gods, it hurts_.

" _Birdy, is something wrong? "_ Tsutomu asks sharply, but without malice. All that comes from him is warmth and concern, which she doesn't fucking deserve. _" Please, tell me what's wrong! I'll help however I can. You can tell me! You know you can, right? I'll listen._"

She knows, she knows, she knows. Even if they weren't—weren't sharing a body, he'd still listen. Because Tsutomu is just **caring** like that. Cares too much, and in others it'd be a detriment, but Tsutomu makes it work well.

" _Just…Birdy, please…_ _ **Please**_ _stop crying, okay? Breathe for me, alright? In, out. In, out._"

And suddenly, she can breathe again.

She takes big gulps of air, heart thundering in her chest, but her breathing slows into a more natural rhythm. Her throat's clogged, but she's not drowning any more. Her fingers still shake and jitter, tangled at the back of her scalp, but she feels more _alive_.

She's not sure how he did it, but… He's managed to calm her down. Yanked her straight out of a panic attack.

"Did…Did you do that?" she asks aloud, tentative and feeling moronic for asking such stupid, cryptid questions. But she gets a sigh of relief echoing in her mind from Tsutomu, and it floods her, filling her up and warming her down to her toes.

" _I…Think so?_ " Tsutomu asks, confused and intrigued. " _I mean, I guess I just sort of…Maybe took over a little bit? But not enough for a transformation. Just enough to calm you down and get you to breathe_."

"Oh," she breathes, and the tension slowly seeps out of her shoulders.

" _Sorry. I didn't mean to take over when you're in the bath_ ," the teen admits, all sheepishness on top of concerned awkwardness.

And **of course** this is his response. An apology and an ear to lend.

Birdy sniffs, feeling something unidentifiable well up in her chest again, and Tsutomu promptly panics.

" _Please don't cry again_."

She huffs, giving a watery laugh. "I won't, I won't. No need to panic on me, you little dork."

He gives an incensed rebuttal, but all she feels is a deep-seated fondness as he tries to banter with her to get her back into sorts.

She cranes her neck carefully, staring up at the white ceiling, a grin working across her mouth. "You're a good kid, Tsutomu…"

He's a good kid, who doesn't deserve this. Doesn't deserve to have his life wrecked, his soul shoved into someone else's body because his own was obliterated and scattered into fleshy chunks.

The guilt comes back, like the sea's waves lapping up to shore. But she clamps her eyes shut, and feels Tsutomu doing the mental equivalent of rubbing her back soothingly. The sea is still stormy and tumultuous, but it's calming, and the waves are receding.

"Hey, Tsutomu…?" she asks quietly into the silent, tiled room. She idly drags her hand across the bathwater in swirling patterns, considering if she should broach the subject, weighing the pros and cons.

Tsutomu comes in before she can, not allowing her to spiral back into despair and panic. " _What is it, Birdy?_ "

"Do you…" she stalls, tongue leaden, her mouth stuffed with cotton.

He probably already knows what she wants to ask—her feelings are pulsating through their shared body. He wouldn't have to go far in her mind-space before tripping over what's been plaguing her—but Tsutomu never tries to cross those boundaries on purpose. Accidentally, it happens. Of course it does, considering that Tsutomu's mind isn't mature or focused enough, being that he was still a teenager.

However, Tsutomu respects her space. Even when he doesn't have his own, even when he's crammed into her head out of necessity, he doesn't cross lines.

Her boss Megius warned them about their minds melding together, if the both of them aren't careful. That one of them could very well cease to exist, in the worst-case scenario. So, she doesn't try to get into his thoughts or memories, and he doesn't do so in turn.

Even if this wasn't the case, Tsutomu would still respect her boundaries. He has a strong moral ground, for a kid. Something that was lacking for many fully-grown adults, who wouldn't hesitate to tear through someone's memories or thoughts if they had the chance. Especially to a Federation officer like her.

"Tsutomu, um…Do you… Do you hate me?" she manages to ask, choking it out past her anxiety and bone-dry throat.

" _Huh…? Of course I don't, Birdy!_ " the teen answers from within their mind-scape, quick as a whip and painfully honest. " _Where's this coming from, anyways? It's pretty sudden._"

"I just," the alien starts, giving a frustrated sigh as she scrubbed at her hair with a hand. "Tsutomu, I **killed** you. You're stuck in my body in order to survive—in a body that you don't even have control over half the time!

You can't live your life normally, even if you try your hardest. I've dragged you into something dangerous, something you can't ever confide in with anyone…I've taken pretty much **everything** from you! Your body, your life, your privacy…Your peace of mind…"

For a few moments, there is a stunned, ringing silence.

"I've **ruined** your life, Tsutomu," she chokes out, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyelids. She tries to breathe in, deep breaths, to keep herself from outright bawling again. To keep herself together. "I've ruined your life, so y-you should hate me, r-right…?"

She can't help the stuttering. Not when she's barely keeping herself from sobbing in the bathtub twice in five minutes.

" _Birdy_ ," Tsutomu starts firmly, and she steels herself for rejection, for anger, for resentment.

She doesn't expect understanding.

" _Birdy, I_ _ **don't**_ _hate you. Even if you killed me…It was an accident. I'm only alive right now because of you letting me share your body!_ "

"Tsutomu," she says weakly, giving a watery chuckle. "I'm the one that killed you in the first place. I **highly** doubt that counts."

" _Still! I'll have my own body back in no time at all, right? Three months isn't too long to wait for a whole human body to be created, all things considered. And even if it sometimes sort of sucks, sharing a body, I'm also helping you protect the city, and all the people in it. My sister. My friends. And everyone else in it!_ "

"But," she splutters, blinking confusedly down at her reflection in the bathwater. "But, I'm the one putting you in danger! Like, literally in harm's way!"

" _You're just doing your job, Birdy. You're protecting the city—no, not just the city. You're protecting the entire_ _ **world**_ _from the Ryunka. That's a really big job. And hey, I'm already here to watch your back. You're not alone._ _ **I'm**_ _not alone. I've got you to confide in, right?_ "

The alien gives an incredulous snort. Tsutomu…he really was something else. "Okay, sure. But I've still pretty much taken over your life, y'know."

"… _You've got a point there. But!_ " he adds, before she can interject. " _All things considered, things could be_ _ **much**_ _worse. You actually give me time to go to school and hang out with my friends, and live my life. You give me a choice, when you can._

 _And, yeah, sometimes I get pissed at you. But, hey, we all get frustrated and angry. Just…Being angry all the time isn't going to help things—help me through all this—and isn't really productive. I could be an angry asshole,_ _ **or**_ _I can try and make the best of the situation_.

 _So, I'll say this once, and you better listen: I forgive you, Birdy_."

The alien doesn't expect understanding, and she certainly doesn't expect wholehearted forgiveness. Yet, that seems like what she's getting.

She doesn't deserve it, but—

But, if Tsutomu can forgive her…

Maybe, she's finally good enough. Maybe she's finally past being Berserker Birdy, Birdy the Destroyer, the woman that just keeps on wrecking things and ruining people's lives.

Maybe, she can fix things. And not just with Tsutomu.

Birdy throws her head back and laughs, full of mingled relief and hope.

"That…That means a lot, to me," she admits, a soft smile on her lips, as she gazes up at the ceiling lights.

She hears the teen give a hum in her mind, before the two fall into a content silence. Her whole form relaxes, tension draining, and she's finally at ease in what's felt like forever.

" _You know, you should probably get out of the tub now, before you turn into a prune_ ," Tsutomu reminds her idly.

The woman startles, looking down at herself. She lifts a hand—all wrinkled from the water—and frowns down at her lap. "Ugh, you're right. And the water's gone cold too!" she exclaims, voice dangerously close to a whine.

Tsutomu's laugh rings out in Birdy's mind, a light-hearted sound that fills up her chest and seeps into her bones. She grins slightly, oh-so-fond, readying herself to exit the bath.

"Thanks, Tsutomu," the alien says.

The teen seems to understand that there's a deeper meaning behind her thank you; that it isn't simply about reminding her to leave the bath.

" _You're welcome, Birdy_."


End file.
